We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
We like the way Dwight thinks
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭