Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
#SaturdayBears
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂