People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
i will not be silenced
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?