I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My first son he is wonderful
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body