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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!