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@slimmy_shady

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@shutupmikeginn

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

@therepoguy

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

@PleaseBeGneiss

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@david8hughes

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@_elvishpresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@lenigs17

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile