@FrickinDelanie
@slimmy_shady I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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@slimmy_shady 
@Reel2Dialog2 Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
@shutupmikeginn If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
@therepoguy Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
@PleaseBeGneiss please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
@RealLaVarTrump Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
@david8hughes “Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
@preawsaurus oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
@_elvishpresley_ [face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
@lenigs17 If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile