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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]


The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.


When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.


Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.


Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.


GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.