Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits