Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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For anyone who needs this today
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
That’s incredible! 👌
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
we’re gonna need another temp