If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.