Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Choose your fighter
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
those birds must be on payroll
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?