Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
This is Sparta
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder