local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.