[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Y’all ready for this
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.