I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?