To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“What?”
– Jude
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?