Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
You Might Also Like
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Still cracks me up
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar