I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.