Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
PLEASE READ
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”