[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.