What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!