THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Are you ok, human???
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Somebody’s lying.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?