*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
favorite tropes as memes
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.