Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.