My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.