*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If I ignore life will it go away?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Very problematic
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
me logging onto twitter
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.