Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good