“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this