My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that