My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Taliband
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn鈥檛 work because the instructions were missing.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Her: You鈥檝e changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I don鈥檛 want to marry Bill Gates because he鈥檚 rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I can鈥檛 wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU鈥橰E THE REASON WE CAN鈥橳 USE THIS WHEN WE鈥橰E DRIVING THE BULLDOZER