I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.