Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot