Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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Love is always patient and kind.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti