He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You Might Also Like
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher