February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
i actually laughed 😩
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,