*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.