Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Meeeee too!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers