*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
You Might Also Like
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Uh oh…
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sooo many times…..
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead