My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?