I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Lmbo
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.