I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet