Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically