David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
inventing words: clothing