My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]