COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Message from the dog groomers
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!