Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.