I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.