[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I know karate and tons of other words.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I can’t deal with men any longer
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?