You Might Also Like
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Self-cleaning conscience
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Muppet Screams
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.