My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks