Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even