Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again


I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.


mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day


Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.


Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business


If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?


Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!


Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”