Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!