@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

You Might Also Like

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

@scootergonscoot

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@BobGolen

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

@JustBeingEmma

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

@Fred_Delicious

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”